Three of My Favorite DBT Tools for Setting (and Keeping) Boundaries

If there is one topic that comes up in almost every therapy session I have, it's boundaries. Whether a client is dealing with work burnout, relationship friction, or a serious neglect of their own self-care, one of the first things I ask is: what boundaries or parameters do you have in place right now?

The responses I get range from a blank stare, to an "I don't know," to (the one that really gets me) "I just can't set boundaries." And that last one? That's where we have serious work to do.

Boundaries are, at their core, the rules we create for ourselves to protect what matters most to us: our time, energy, money, relationships, property, and emotional wellbeing. A simple example: if protecting my sleep is important, my boundary might be that I'm in bed by 11:30 PM on work nights. Nothing dramatic, just a quiet commitment to something I value.

Knowing why boundaries matter is one thing. Knowing how to set them is another. That's where DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) comes in. Over the years, I've leaned on a handful of DBT tools again and again when working with clients on this exact challenge. Here are my three favorites.

1. The Dime Game: Knowing How Hard to Push

What it is: The Dime Game is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill that helps you figure out how intensely to assert a boundary or make a request, on a scale of 0 to 10. Rather than going straight to "I need to have a big conversation," the Dime Game encourages you to pause and weigh several factors: How important is this to you? What's the state of the relationship? Is this a good time? Is your ask reasonable given the circumstances?

The idea is that not every boundary call for the same intensity. Some situations warrant a firm, direct conversation. Others might only need a light nudge, or no action at all yet.

When I use it with clients:

• When a client feels like they have to go "all in" or say nothing at all (black-and-white thinking around conflict)

• When someone isn't sure if their boundary request is reasonable or proportionate

• When a client wants to say no to something but is worried about damaging the relationship

• When someone is over-functioning in a relationship and needs to recalibrate how much they give

2. DEAR MAN: How to Actually Say It

What it is: DEAR MAN is probably the most well-known DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill, and for good reason. It gives you a concrete structure for communicating a boundary or making a request in a way that's clear, calm, and effective. The acronym stands for:

• Describe: State the facts of the situation without judgment

• Express: Share how you feel about it

• Assert: Clearly ask for what you need or say no to what you don't

• Reinforce: Explain what's in it for both of you when the boundary is respected

• Mindful: Stay focused; don't get pulled into old arguments or distractions

• Appear confident: Use body language and tone that match your words

• Negotiate: Be willing to find a middle ground when appropriate

When I use it with clients:

• When someone knows what they need to say but freezes when it comes to actually saying it

• When a client tends to over-explain, apologize, or back down mid-conversation

• When preparing for a specific, high-stakes boundary conversation (with a partner, boss, or family member)

• When someone has tried to set a boundary before and it went sideways, DEAR MAN helps them understand what might have gotten lost in the delivery

3. Check-the-Facts: When Your Brain Is Working Against You

What it is: Check-the-Facts is a DBT emotion regulation skill that helps you examine whether what you're thinking and feeling actually matches the situation in front of you. When it comes to boundaries, this one is huge, because so much of what stops people from setting boundaries is a story they're telling themselves about what will happen if they do.

"If I say no, they'll be furious."

"If I set this limit, it means I'm a bad friend."

"They'll never understand."

Check-the-Facts walks you through a series of questions: What's the actual situation? What emotions am I feeling? What are my interpretations or assumptions? And crucially: do those interpretations match the facts, or am I filling in the blanks with fear?

When I use it with clients:

• When a client is catastrophizing about what might happen if they set a limit

• When guilt or shame is blocking action ("I shouldn't need this")

• When someone is reacting to a past relational experience rather than the current moment

• When overthinking or rumination has become a barrier to moving forward with a decision

Putting It All Together

These three tools work beautifully together. Check-the-Facts can help you get out of your head before a tough conversation. The Dime Game helps you calibrate the intensity of your approach. And DEAR MAN gives you the language to follow through.

Setting boundaries isn't about being difficult or demanding. It's about being honest about what you need and giving relationships a chance to work on more authentic terms. DBT doesn't make that easy, but it does make it a lot more doable.

Interested in learning more about these skills? Feel free to reach out. I'd love to support you in building a boundary practice that actually feels like yours.

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